RICE, CHICKEN AND THE GHOST OF SKINNIER TIMES

(NOT FOR THE FATTY HEARTED)

Well it’s almost Christmas again; the Nigerian Olympics for rice cooking, fuel scarcity and the torture of listening to Christmas song everywhere you turn……..Feliz Navidad, propesro ańoy Felicidad  (repeat 1000000x)

Christmas is big on our minds for a lot of reasons but for some, and at one point for me, it was another pivotal period to enter the fattening room and fight the demon called fast metabolism. Now without trying to sound unnecessarily cerebral like some school lecturers, fast metabolism is basically what makes skinny people remain skinny.

I warned you didn’t I? If you have been all about that bass (fat) without treble (slim) all your life, this might sound more confusing than our country’s politics.

Remember Fido Dido?  That skinny animated 7up sensation during the early 90s; way before Nigerians relegated the drink to what you just mix with “ugwu” leaf to cure acute malaria. Never been called that? Then you don’t know how important the struggle is during this period.

You enter into a crowded place and your head drops evil lines:

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall; who is the skinniest of them all”

Spare a thought to when your plans for the festive period, was narrowed to just eating enough food to ensure that when you get to school to resume a semester, friends would flower you with compliments:

 ‘Ahan! Na u be this? See as you don fat!

Chai! So u fit fine like this?

Abeg, Abeg, no reduce, so na school dey make u look like suffer person?’ 

Kind of validates the thought that some of us are not really ugly but just skinny, stressed and maybe broke.

Some of us now have gotten married, given birth, left school, gotten a job, now a boss and the slim monster has finally been defeated. Although fatty tissue is not necessarily the consequence of all these, but my point is this:

Forever doesn’t exist on earth

Today, it might be about food and the moving away from the depression of the ‘skinnies’; tomorrow it might be the battle to shake off being super-sized, broke, jobless, unmarried, loveless, sick or anything that faults your reality. Like many things in this life, these too shall pass.

So as you enjoy the Christmas, make laughs and create moments, remember: the challenges of life fades just like the season….

Have a chicken filled Christmas people.

FORGET THE NEWS; WATCH NICKELODEON!

In my undergrad days, a lecturer of mine that I would best describe as a nonconformist, had a statement attributed to an American author and humorist Mark twain plastered on his office wall that reads: “if you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed”

.

Didn’t put much thought to it back then cause I had more important things to worry about as a student like: how to apply cold water starch on my shirt without the dreaded starchy seed effect; perfecting the art of attending 7am classes; how to tell your parents that if they don’t send you money before the weekend, you would die; how to stop doing assignment for ladies for free etc (don’t judge me)

Now am all grown, earning some level above the minimum wage and therefore worthy to talk about all things state of the nation (forgive my warped syllogism)

I have followed political and social events from traditional news outlets to the amplified social media platforms but the problem is that watching happenings especially political ones in Nigerian can leave you utterly disillusioned.

 It felt really cool at one point feeding on news items because you realise that your cartoon network state of mind has finally been shed away; but at what cost?

With Nigerian news inundating your mind, one is constantly feeling like a partner in an abusive relationship: the lies, battering and constant emotional pain. You try to maintain a normalcy bias that “all is well” but nothing feels more hurtful than someone that constantly disappoints you.

You hear how leaders take turns to sink their hands into the hamper basket of our collective treasure. Dasukigate,  EFCCgate,  Abachafloodgate, Nimasadoor, DSSwindow; every single news smeared with some billions in them.

 Leaders come, go; change party, change manifestoes; change regalia, change mantra but in the end: “same shit, different toilet”

Nothing surprises me anymore and when I stumble upon a depressing news item or see one in my timeline, I just smile, take the remote and turn to Nickelodeon because the life expectancy in Nigeria is way too low and anti-depressant pill is way too expensive to be a Nigerian news enthusiast.

 

OLODO MOMENTS

Ignorance they say is bliss but not when its staring you right in the face……….

So I was watching the movie Interstellar a while back and I must say that have never really felt such conscious stupidity while watching a movie (ok maybe this one time when I was watching the movie The theory of everything). Probably because I pride myself with the idea that am a dialogue movie kinda guy. But there were just too many mumbo jumbos that were obviously unintelligible for my brain cells to decrypt. Gibberish like black hole, big bang theory, alternative galaxy, time dimensions: all messing with my knowledge of integrated science.

Olodo moment like this will make you miss your Nollywood roots and in that I mean, straight to the point script- no long thing! This is Nollywood script in a nutshell: poor gal, wicked step-mum, herbalist requesting for the left eye of an earth worm; handsome prince, prince meets poor gal, wicked mum dies from a heinous disease that puzzles medical science; big society wedding – Godwin! Shikena!! 

Obviously you don’t need to know jack about Quantum Physics to understand that plot. Olodo moment can also make you appreciate the fact that you can watch a kung fu movie without any form of audio feedback:  just listen to nothing but silence as Jet Li goes on to avenge the death of his master.

The sad thing about Olodo moment especially the one inspired by Hollywood flick is that your educational progression from the lowest to the highest will now look like one big twisted charade of some sort. Like you went to buy Akara beancake and they gave you the ororo groundnut-oil soaked paper wrapper without the beancake (that’s my alternative definition of Nigeria Education).

The thing is that, no man is an island of knowledge and yes, it’s not your fault as it were. Blame it on hereditary if you like (allusive insult is unintended: my parents taught me better than to insult elders explicitly); blame it on your science teacher that couldn’t explain one topic without the aid of the science textbook in front of him; hey, blame it on the government or in fact blame the devil, I don’t really care.

All am saying is, when your Olodo moment comes: whether it was inspired by a movie; a question you were asked by a kid (uncle, what’s the difference between a turtle and a tortoise); a trick teaser (are the states in Nigeria still 36 after adding the FCT?)  Or even when you were hit with the question while ranting politics at the office like you single handedly brought APC to power (please sir, what’s the name of the national chairman of the APC?)

 Don’t feel shy or embarrassed at that very moment; just embrace it. Bask in what you are at that moment- an Ignoramus!  Enjoy its fleeting essence and after it sizzles down, mehn! Google away your ignorance like you were told that it was going to be the first question in a written test.

Believe me, Google knows best sometimes………..